round 2

Why am I calling these posts rounds? I don't know.

One thing I am starting to believe is that growing closer to Jesus has less to do with doing things with the church, and more to do with doing things for the world.

I think the church is vital to the growth of any Christian, and can serve as a resource for encouragement, recharging, community, shelter, and a group to worship with.

You can be part of a church for decades and not be changed, but you can't spend thirty minutes being Jesus to the broken without being changed.

round 1

I got baptized my freshman year of high school. Really the summer between eighth and ninth grade in Denver, Co. I remember it vividly. We (the youth group) had spent the day helping do housework for a family who had just lost their dad. He was relatively young, and I don't know if it was being around the effects of death all day long, and I got scared about my own mortality, or if it was the spirit moving in me, or more likely both, but the fear of God got in me and I wanted to get baptized right then. So I did, and everybody was happy.

And in that moment a new type of doubt was sown in me. My youth minister dipped me in the water and lifted me up, and I felt...like me, and I was almost disappointed. I don't know what I thought would happen while I was underwater, but I wanted to come up feeling different. I didn't though, and I was almost ashamed, like I didn't do something right, like I must have not done it for the right reason, or I must still have things to get right before I feel like a Christian.

I went through high school and college in this terrible tug of war with my own sinful nature. Trying to earn love, trying to be worthy of this calling. Gritting my teeth trying to not sin, trying to live right so I could feel the Spirit moving through me, so I could know that God loved me. It was exhausting, because I always failed.

The more I failed, the more I lost hope that I was worthy of the calling. The more I started faking it, and the more the secret doubt in my heart grew.

Here's what I'm beginning to realize. I was under the impression that when I was baptized, I was finished, I'd completed the journey. It's true that I was saved when I believed and was baptized, but my journey was just beginning. God set me on the road to discovery, but all I did for so long was stay put and feel sad that nothing was happening. Try to stay out of trouble, Go to chruch, do stuff with the church and secretly feel disappointed that I didn't feel God's spirit. That was the extent of my Christian walk.

As I've gotten older I've realized that my baptism wasn't the finale, but the opening act. I've realized that when you seek God, when you get in his word, when you try to live within the rythym of His commands, and when you accept His grace, He shows up in powerful ways.

I used to hear people say God wants me to do this, or God wants me to do that, and I would think, either they are liars or I am missing something. It turns out, I just wasn't listening.

This is such an elementary idea, one I've heard since I was in the nursery, but I promise the actual realization of this in my life was revolutionary: Seek and you shall find.

some people call him the space cowboy

Warning: This is a venting type post; me just basically re-hashing my last two weeks.
If you haven't yet, go read my wife's post to our son. christine's blog It's really good and heartwarming and wise. Me and Jack are truly blessed.

Ever feel like God's teaching you patience? Like in every facet of your life, you're being taught patience? It has been an interesting couple of weeks since I blogged last.

A couple of weeks ago a complete stranger walked into my office, put his head in his hands and told me he was lost and he didn't have anywhere to go. I thought that was interesting since my office is on the eighth floor of a very random, kind of off the beaten path building. His name is Maurice and we've spent a lot of time together the past couple of weeks. He came with me to the men's retreat to GED classes, and we found him a job. A good Godly man who runs a steel company gave him a chance to work. All he had to do was show up. Well, the first morning I go to pick him up he doesn't show. He called me a few hours later and told me he was sorry but he was just too tired. I was furious, well as furious as I get. I knew exactly what I was going to say to him the next time we talked. I was going to lay into him about how I didn't have to be doing this, how he needed to show a little responsibility and initiative and basically just belittle him for a few minutes.

I kid you not, immediately God brought to my mind the parable of the debtor. The king forgives one man his incredibly large debts, and that man promptly goes out and has a man who owes him a few bucks tossed in jail. The king wasn't pleased, so I decided maybe I should try understanding and patience. I took him to work this morning, and I think he is going to stick with it. I know he knows he needs to.

That was lesson #1. Lesson #2. I took Maurice for his pre-employment drug-test. After I dropped him off at the clinic I was heading back towards work. I was cruising along in my lane when out of no where I got smoked from the side. I pulled into the shoulder and looked behind me to see a little white car spin twice and slam into the concret barrier in the median. She hit hard. I thought she was going be hurt. I turned my car off and ran back there to find her knocked clear into the backseat and not real sure of what happened. When the police and fire trucks and ambulances arrived we all talked found out she was in a rental car, she had no insurance, and hadn't opted for the rental insurance. The cops said it looks like she was driving way too fast, lost control and just slammed into me. The EMT's smelled alchohol. It was noon. I was a tad bit frustrated, but thankful that we were all ok, and that I was by myself, and didn't have Jack or Christine in the car. It would have been a little more difficult to exercise patience had they been with me when she hit me. That's been my last couple of weeks. Heading out of town this weekend. Sorry to dump all this on you, but hey that's what a blog is for.